What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 11:22
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What should I expect after a BBL surgery?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What song are you listening to right now? What does it mean to you?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
All the time i was locked up.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What is the rudest/meanest thing a family member has said to you?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My ex got into a relationship within 2 weeks after a breakup. What should I do?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What did i know ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She found it foreign!.
But it wasn’t much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Put me off passion for life!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
I was 9 years of age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She loved him until the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I couldn’t, believe it.
(And it was in our own minds.)